Dinner with Picasso

what i miss ...

2011-12-12T18:31:00.002-05:00

...and where i'd like to live one day

i forgot about you..

2011-12-12T18:30:00.002-05:00

birds on wire with Holga. I can't get enough pictures of birds on wires or flying birds in the sky.

Bucharest and old people

2011-10-16T17:42:00.001-04:00

scene from central(downtown??!!) Bucharest: two little old ladies hand in hand walking down the cobble streets.

photo house

2011-10-08T17:21:00.001-04:00

this is a photographer's studio house my house will be like this too...but better :D

a little Peanut

2011-10-02T19:09:00.002-04:00

agat 18 modified camera...with a little furry friend. In the garden

no blog

2011-09-29T20:53:00.001-04:00

when you come back from travel, a lot of people wait for stories. I have so many thoughts in my head about my trip i have no idea where to start. Where do i start? I'll just tell my stories through pictures.

europe and trends

2011-09-25T16:20:00.001-04:00

i'm back from the trip that seemed like forever.so many hipsters in Europe!! is that the correct term??...who cares? Paris is FULL of them. Do they not realize that being against mainstream but being like EVERYBODY ELSE is the same thing as being mainstream?? It's almost like a little photography vintage cliche to be strolling through Paris and all i see is vintage run down bikes, floral patterns, vintage skirts paired with 80s earrings and stockings. In London, there were even more stockings. Although UK hipsters have a different flare. But then i joined the trend by buying trendy macaroons and bird accessories. And everybody wears Toms...ok very very worn toms, those tiny buns as hair styles and lots of vintage everything. A few years ago, in Paris, it was all about boho fashion. It changed so much! ANd it's weird because you walk down the street and you see a vintage outfit, then another, then another, then you're surrounded by a sea of vintage trendy kids and you they're all different but all the same at the same time. I think the best is to see a hipster ride his scooter through a sea of cars. They really should be more careful how they drive. That goes for everybody. Driving in Europe is madness. I don't think they have actual road rules. And when you see these tiny motor vehicles pass cars by going on oncoming traffic lane, it makes me close my eyes and wish for the best. pictures(not necessarily of hipsters) will come soon.As expected, i broke my back hauling a giant bag of vintage film with me and i only used a quarter of it. And I just realized...using vintage cameras with vintage(expired cheap ebay film) makes me a hipster too. As per hipster rules. I'm pretty sure plastic camera fantastic Holga is the ultimate hipster photo tool. BAHAHAH. or maybe they use Smena.

when i have kids..

2011-09-23T22:27:00.001-04:00

they will be like this. for sure

i am home

2011-09-21T21:55:00.002-04:00

...but jet lagged and i don't remember it being this bad. Once i can collect my thoughts and think back to my trip, then maybe i will write a proper post. i'm happy to be home. I love travel, but i love my home and i missed it.There are travelers, and there are people who live in the world that make the world worth seeing and loving.

and we are off!

2011-09-01T00:28:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is going to be a long day!!I think the older i get, the more "last minute" i get with things. Do everything last minute and still...i still need extra cat litter and food. i packed everything in my backpack and like i mentioned in comments below, my photography disease...i mean my creative photo tools, are somewhat about 1/4 of my whole backpack's weight. I took the bag of film out and the weight was dramatically less. But i won't take any out. I only took out 2 tshirts and a pair of pants. Like that's going to do ANYTHING!!! *eye roll*Also, i've been getting a bit of travel anxiety. i HATE the travel time. What the hell are you supposed to do on a plane for 8 hours?!?! If you're on a train, at least you see stuff out the window. JEEZ!!! But the upside of it being a long day, i'll be dead tired and i'll hopefully sleep right through and not look at the time every 5 minutes. Also, i tend to overpack because i always think i'm missing something so packing my whole closet is reassuring, even though i might only wear 3 of all those clothes. ANd i also packed tons of energy bars. I pretty much bought the whole shelf at the grocery store. At least i know for sure i won't go hungry for a snack. I'm not even sure they have vegetarian food on planes. I think it'll be a nice ending to a somewhat boring summer that i spent taking pictures of other people's fun memories, and in some cases while also getting schooled in how to do my creative work.In the end, the trip will make up for a lot of lost time. There was no trip out west, not trip to Costa Rica. At least i got a trip to Cuba and Europe, and i should be super grateful because some people don't even get that. This year i finally got to be an adult and pay rent and bills and one has to oftentimes choose eating regularly over trips. Expect a lot of photo overload when i return. And just because i realized i can, i might set up some scheduled posts while i'm away. i'm quite happy with having no internet while on vacation. I tend to abuse things when i'm at home on the net, when i could be outside enjoying the weather.

postcards

2011-08-31T00:48:00.003-04:00

all packed and ready to go. 3/4 of my packpack weight is my film. The rest is 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of shorts, lots of tshirts, and a dress. The rest film. Film FILM FILM.

the mountains await.

I should make personalized postcards and on the back i should write stories or poems.

I should take my little notebook with me and write a poem in every place i stop.

I should write poems near the water in Paris. And then take a picture.

next lifetime

2011-08-29T21:52:00.001-04:00

in my next lifetime, can i be this??

Source: dirtworshipingypsy.tumblr.com via o on Pinterest

you know what?? YES!!

2011-08-28T20:10:00.002-04:00

Source: imgfave.com via Sarah on Pinterest

sometimes i feel like i'm on an age limit or a time limit. But who's to say that if you turn 50(i'm not) you can't dance like there's no tomorrow, or can't dye your hair pink, or can't quit your job and travel the world...??
Do it anyways!!!

It's not the timing, it's just that you did it. And those young at heart will do it better even at 50 or 60.
Enjoy!

the one that got away

2011-08-27T23:22:00.002-04:00

i lived for 4 years in Montreal. And i often think that i wasted my time there because i feel like i learned nothing. But i did. I learned a lot about that culture and the way people there are. And a lot of significant moments, good and bad, REALLY bad happened there. I think i learned a lot of lessons there, even if at the moment it didn't feel like it.

But Montreal feels like the boyfriend that got away.
When I was living there the past few years, it just felt like this shell that i could never be a part of, for obvious reasons, and then i left because it was enough and it was time to move on. But i think back to Montreal and now it has that same romantic, attractive vibe that it did before i moved there. And i think of autumn in Montreal and the sea of yellow leaves, the crisp cold air and the old vintage houses. And it almost feels like starting the love affair all over again. But then, it still wouldn't ever work out between us. It's like the boy who never commits or is unable to open up when you have important conversations.

Much like the boy who i did date in Montreal.

DEFINITELY not missing that boy.
Just the city.

Maybe one day i'll visit Montreal again.

alright.

2011-08-24T00:13:00.003-04:00

and you know what? everything will be ok because we always worry more than we should.

I have this bad habit(i guess) and i always procrastinate and worry until the very last minute. With some things. Some other things i worry from beginning until the end and it's for nothing, because things i worry about most, are things that don't even matter! And things that matter i worry at the last minute, then i realize that those things i worry about at the last minute have a way of working themselves out better than if i worry ahead of time.

autumn

2011-08-22T19:18:00.003-04:00

you know if you listen to the nature speak, you can always tell when the seasons are changing. It seems that here in Canada, fall awaits her turn right around mid August. Yes. The leaves change that early and there's a slight change in winds. There's a coldness at night and air smells differently.

I was driving the other day and i was thinking of a cool breeze and ocean air. In P.E.I. I miss those little house on top of red cliffs.

I think the reason why i find it so hard to build my life is because when i think of what i want, i can think of ten thousand possible lives i'd want to live.

I want to live on a cliff in P.E.I. But i also want to live near the beach in Costa Rica. Or travel through South America. Or live in a country house in Britain.

At least, they all seem to want to be in the country somewhere.

BAHAHA!

2011-08-21T21:34:00.001-04:00

Source: notyouraverageordinary.com via Jiorji on Pinterest

a dream

2011-08-21T10:54:00.003-04:00

For the past few days i've been faced with an issue that i have to give a lot of thought to. When it comes to animals, i don't mess around! If i could, i would want to save them ALL!! But i can't! And sometimes, i need to step back and just think things through.

A friend of mine, for the most ridiculous reasons ever, is asking me to look after his cat and i won't go into details, but i've been thinking of saying something along the lines of "no i won't watch your cat but if you do decide to give up your cat, i'll take it". It's just a matter of not being responsible and i hope that he thinks things through properly.

But i think this affected last night's dream because it was MESSED UP!!!

I was in this weird place by the river and there was a camp there and there was furniture outside and then 2 dachshunds were owned by this lady..a friend possibly?!?!
And i was trying to attempt to steal them because they were in bad condition and they needed more love and attention and ....their tummies had incisions and there weren't getting any food. THIS WAS A DREAM!

Like i said. Animals are important things to me and with this cat on my mind, obviously, i'd get really ODD dreams haha

love vibrations

2011-08-18T23:09:00.002-04:00

Source: google.com via Jiorji on Pinterest

for some reason, at this very moment, i am filled with this crazy good feeling and i wish i could share it with everybody.

♥

chipmunk slow motion

2011-08-17T23:59:00.003-04:00

you know i'm not an advocate for being vegetarian but i would lecture people on wearing fur and that stupid ridiculous trend that's going on now ...those stupid feather hair extensions. You know they purposely raise this particular breed of roosters that have those long feathers in their tail they need for those earrings/extensions and then they kill them. Only for fashion. So dumb.

That's how i was raised. I wasn't raised to be a vegetarian, but i was raised to treat animals properly and not kill for play/game or to accessorize.

Anyway, the video above...it's interesting because if we ever sit and watch animals go on about their lives, they actually do know what they're doing. THey're not as clueless as some people think. That chipmunk actually KNOWS it wants and it has to wash his fur.

My cat's existence isn't just laying around on the couch. She observes and knows what's going on around her. Not only that but she actively makes decisions in her brain to have certain activities during the day.

Animals aren't thoughtless creatures. I love observing them and maybe one day we'll know what they think. Who knows maybe that'll be a near future step in science. Maybe we'll learn animals know way more than they lead on.

I definitely wouldn't be surprised.

things you didn't know about me..

2011-08-15T20:56:00.002-04:00

this is actually true.

Source: thingswealldo.tumblr.com via Sis on Pinterest

i have a new obsession with pinterest.com. Seriously. It's like an ice cream shop but with pictures. Pretty pictures. Inspiration and colour and i want to live in them. I think that if i have nothing worth it to blog, i'll just post a nice inspirational pic instead. They're all linked to their rightful owner or so. Might be a few links til you get there, but eventually you get to the owner.

Source: imgfave.com via Maggie on Pinterest

pause

2011-08-14T23:55:00.002-04:00

i haven't blogged regularly for a while(i mean, regular worth reading stuff..)...so...this is my apology.

Source: gretl.tumblr.com via Tabitha on Pinterest

You're welcome! :D

yes?!!

2011-08-13T12:11:00.002-04:00

come on London, let's get it together!

Source: petitevanou.tumblr.com via Amie on Pinterest

I'm a bit worried. I'm traveling to Europe VERY SOON and we have a few days' stops in London. My plan was to wonder around and look for some Banksy originals, also go visit Stonehenge, but doesn't look like London wants to slow down anytime soon. Why? WHY??

It feels like to world is just a little ticking time bomb.

Please settle down. SETTLE.DOWN.

Nothing good comes out of randomly setting shit on fire. I can understand why people revolt. Because they want justice. But then when you go on a tangent to just burn and loot randomly, when it has nothing to do with the original issue, then you just look like a loser. Or a kid stomping his feet because he's not getting what he wants.
Ridiculous.

YES!

2011-08-12T23:56:00.001-04:00

Source: etsy.com via Jessi on Pinterest

social hibernation

2011-07-30T21:50:00.002-04:00

I go through weird phases of social hibernation where i like to just go to work, socialize there, but then come home and be on my own and rarely see a friend.
But lately i've been looking for something and i'm so eager to meet new people and do new things. Also, i've realized it's August already. Where has time gone?!
This year;s been going way too fast. TOO FAST.

Looking for something...

you know how it feels like you're missing something and you're looking for it and you know what it is(most of the time)...and there's this inner eagerness to run around like a crazy person and find this "thing"?? Well that's what i'm like right now. Except i'm pretty sure what i'm looking for i just don't know where to find it...

hmmm...

poem

2011-07-27T20:33:00.003-04:00

let's be pure
let's be kind
let's be love
let's be true
let's feel nature's vibrations
through our bare feet.

watching the world go by

2011-07-25T23:16:00.002-04:00

First of all, i fully agree that what bugs you about other people, is what you struggle with in your own life. And what i really hate in some people, is how they talk talk talk about how they want to do this and that and they complain how they're lonely, they're bored, they're whatever and they do nothing. just wait for change and change never happens.

So i'm making a great effort to get off my bum and create change.

Change always happens. Wrong. I think you have to make change.

it's like a room with all windows and door closed. How do you expect to get new air if you don't open the windows??

I AM OPENING A WINDOW! Let's see what happens.

let's have glorious adventures. this blog needs new stories haha

2011-07-20T23:22:00.001-04:00

i don't know what to blog about.

too hot.

cat would rather sit in the heat on the balcony than be inside AC room.

cats are weird.

my brain is melting

2011-07-19T23:54:00.003-04:00

i think stubbornness is my greatest downfall. Sometimes i fight with myself over it. I wish i'd just give up!!

it doesn't have to be this way. it doesn't have to stop you from changing.

2011-07-11T23:53:00.000-04:00

never give up. keep walking and look for that turn in the road. It'll be there. And it'll bring change.

Just keep looking for it. Never give up

:)

summer

2011-07-11T23:43:00.002-04:00

i think i'm becoming a workaholic.

I work, and then i come home and do more work.
This needs to stop. It's mid July and ...what am i doing INSIDE?!?!

i need a plan and i need to stick by it.

so.tired.

2011-07-07T21:57:00.002-04:00

when one door closes, another one opens.

so i lost a photo gig because I gave up. I have something between 3000 and 5000 pictures to edit. Of people.

A few months ago, I used to purposely want people out of my landscape pictures, and now i feel like landscapes are empty without people. Even if it's small little specs. Not sure i like to see nature all alone and empty without people in it. People appreciating what's aroudn them.

Anyways...

I think i mentioned this before, but it bothers me when random people making conversation say to me that photography is a lost service worth paying for since SLR's are available to everyone. Yup but not EVERYONE can or knows how to properly photograph a white object on a white background...or a clear object on a white background. It's not easy. So i gave up my gig because my client wanted things done faster and what i was doing required time and effort. So..i folded. But then...i ended up getting extra work at my day job. WINNING!! hehe

But..i need to chill out and do some summer outdoor stuff. I need to have an "outdoor rule". And a "no camera allowed" day. Because I need a creative break sometimes.

But hard work pays and i'm just planting the seeds.

short bits

2011-07-03T21:00:00.003-04:00

i want many tattoos of birds
i miss you
i know when you think of me
i want to live on a farm

such a long day

2011-06-30T23:02:00.002-04:00

Today was a very long day. Lots of driving and i feel like my brain is shutting off.

When things in my life change, i like to think of them as layers or cocoons that i outgrow and they fall off and a new shell forms. A nicer one.

Today i was driving to get to a wedding, a beautiful wedding. I'm not sure how many of my blog readers agree, but I for one support same sex marriage. And i had the pleasure to photograph one today. And when they read their vows, it was so beautiful and sincere and they were both tearing up. I had a moment where i almost started bawling my eyes and i had to remember that i'm the photographer and there's no time for that.

I can't really blog right now. I shouldn't blog. My paragraphs don't make sense and the thoughts in my head make no sense.

I always worry after i take photographs. If they're ok or not. That little screen in my camera can be tricky.

Long weekend tomorrow. Going to a farm for the weekend.

I need sleep.

missing out

2011-06-19T00:07:00.002-04:00

It sucks when i start missing on people that aren't good in my life. And my thoughts wonder where they are..and then I get angry because they're not good for me but I wish they were and I remember the stories we told and the mistakes we made. And everything else..

Today i went to photograph two sessions in one day. I really need to memorize good positions on how to get people to pose in pictures. I got asked 3 times this week by my "clients". "How do you want us to pose?"

and my answer always is: "i don't. i want you to be natural". Then they get all awkward and think too much about what to do and i start telling them a few poses. Like dipping the girl backwards or holdings hands. Put the right foot up and lean up against the wall. It's interesting that although it's always the same positions, different people do them differently and i end up with different variations of the same thing.

Today I started bringing out props. I bought 3 yellow balloons. They were tied up and i noticed that the string was tearing so i untied the strings and tied 2 of the balloons to a tree to fix the string on the 3rd one, because i thought that unless it fix it, the string will break off and they'll fly away.

Ironically, while i was busy fixing the 3rd balloon, the other 2 tied up to the tree flew away and i lost them. sigh. One happy yellow balloon ended up being better than anything.

Paris nights

2011-06-10T23:26:00.002-04:00

I miss the mystery of Paris. I miss the cobble streets and wonder randomly unveiling the rooftops, discovering old doors that open into beautiful courtyards.

i miss people watching

soon

silly things i probably shouldn't fluff my feathers over

2011-06-09T20:32:00.003-04:00

sometimes i just don't play nice. I think of myself as a nice person and i want to say that i try to please people, but when it comes to being in my space, and taking over my space, i don't play nice.

Maybe because i'm an only child, but it really bothers me when i feel like people are taking over. And it bothers me even more when people, older people, are trying to say parables or sayings when i'm a bit worked up over them trying to do something in my space that i didn't ask for.

It's so silly, i know!!
I guess it's just a cultural clash in a way. Elderly people from my culture not understanding that I do things differently and that well really, why can't i have it my way?

and in the end, why get worked up over it?? haha if i were to explain it, it's REALLY silly, but it's just one of those things that i'm sure everybody has, that makes them go off and there's nothing you can do about it because it's just part of your personality.

So little but it affects us so much. It can't be controlled. Or maybe i don't try to. Maybe because to me it's so important that it's important people let it be and just respect that rule.

just laugh it off...

june

2011-06-07T21:27:00.002-04:00

i don't have much to say. It's hard to pick one thought when so much is going through my mind.

It's June already and the beginning of the year felt so fresh not too long ago.

the end of the journey

2011-06-06T23:44:00.003-04:00

A friend of mine from work passed away on Sunday night. He had a pretty serious heart attack and for a week he was in the hospital. I was sort of expecting him to come back soon. I don't know many people...ok zero people...who have heart attacks and i thought it wouldn't last that long for him to recover. But then they told me he was in intensive care, etc, etc, etc. Anyway, i shouldn't kept an open mind towards it.

Sunday night i had a dream about him and he was back at work. I should've known better because today we were told he gave up. And it's unexpected. Really hard to work for the rest of the day and everybody deals with their feelings differently.

I don't really deal with death. No friends have died, and although he was much older, her was definitely not old enough to pass away. Sometimes you just don't know when the time is up.

And it hits you and you realize this person was a good person in their own way and he was kind and nice, and you just wish you knew or had the chance to say goodbye.

He always shared his chocolate with me. He gave me a big hug for my birthday. He was a person i looked forward to seeing when i got in at work.

anyway, friend, i hope you're good where ever you are and when i feed the birds at work, i'll think of you.

the confused wedding photographer

2011-06-02T20:23:00.002-04:00

i'm working super hard to beef up my portfolio and in between free engagement photo shoots i get the occasional wedding consultation. And i'm very eager to do them...ESPECIALLY when we exchange a few emails and then when we decide to meet to show the portfolio, the future bride says "i'm VERY interested". And I drive 1.5 hours to meet way out of town..and the meet ends with "i'll definitely use you, but i have to talk to my fiancee and let you know tomorrow".

And tomorrow comes and goes. Another tomorrow comes. Another goes. And you start wondering if it was that past "tomorrow" or the one next week.
Makes me wonder if i misunderstood since you wouldn't make someone drive almost 2 hours to meet you on promises and then there's not even an email that says "sorry, went with someone else". siiiiiigh. Wee bit disappointed. But with a let down, 3 other wedding emails came. But i need to rethink my meet up strategy for out of towners. Phone only maybe. Gas isn't cheap these days.

Anyway, hoping to get some wisteria as a backdrop to one of my photoshoots. Be careful what you wish for. In June, i have no weekends. Photo sessions every weekend. And i have some pretty awesome ideas....including taking out my vintage TLR's for a try-out.

rant rant rant

2011-05-29T12:57:00.002-04:00

yesterday seemed like the day of unfortunate customer service/cashier incidents. Whatever happened to "customer is always right" and saying hello everytime you ring a new person in? Are those the long lost days of retail and we now have to encounter cashiers without saying a word besides being told what your total is?? Even then, the girl had trouble reading out the total. "Eleven..no...one one eight point..no...one eighteen." ok seriously?!!

Mind you i understand what retail is and what cashier work is. I've done and i know. But that was years ago and i never thought I'd say this but i'm happy to work in a controlled(not so much) office environment where i don't have to deal with customers. That being said...I was at a giant stupid store where they have photo printing kiosks...starts with a W...HAPPY FACE...and what you do is you send you go through 100 pictures or so on a CD and select and crop, then click "send order" and then the computer in that kiosk sends your order or possibly 10 photographs(out of 100) and then 1 hour later you get your prints. I had TWO orders. Two receipts that you have to give to the clerk. Clerk takes one only and gives the other back. I say i have TWO orders, i get ignored. Ok whatever. At some labs they put everything into one envelope if it's same name. NEVER ASSUME.

So then i wonder around and go back in one hour. I wait, new clerk comes around, takes another customer who JUST got there, then tells me there's been a problem with the order. It's been stalled, he has to check the machine. Ok. "I don't know what YOU did, but the computer never got the order." Ok but the receipt printed out, so *I* didn't do anything wrong. he says "ok well you should do it again." no i won't search through 100 pictures AGAIN to send out my order. So then he says he'll need another hour to go to the machine and resend my order. Ok. I'll go home and call to see.

2 hours later i call and he says "you were here before, i told you the machine didn't get the order, you did it wrong. Will have to wait until tomorrow." I said no that's ridiculous since you just told me you'd have it ready. "You're not LISTENING to me" So when you say "your order isn't ready because your machine screwed up", what am i not getting besides, i don't have my pictures?? I said cancel it. Then he begins to argue why i have one receipt for two orders and if i cancel i'll get my money back. Really?! I wasn't asked to pay. you pay AFTER! i said ok cancel and after that he says "ok have a nice day!" and then he hung up on me. yes. He hung up on me.
RUDE!!

this was the first in a string of awful customer service interactions for that day. seriously.

in other news, i bought a giant YELLOW hibiscus plant for my apartment. it's pretty and it's starting to bloom :D

spoiled

2011-05-25T00:19:00.002-04:00

It's interesting to me to get wakeup calls of my spoiledness. If that really is a word....

I'm grateful for everything in my life. Everything is great and i have everything i need. Some people have way more. I have enough. I have parents who, although we're not the best of friends, they're always there to help with money if i need it. I don't. I am SUPER lucky to work as a photographer, something i fought for with my mom over and over again. Basically "you'll never get that kind of job stop daydreaming!" vs. "YES I WILL!!". It doesn't pay a lot, but it's enough and a little bit extra.

But then I travel and see cars like the one in the picture above and i catch myself thinking "wow, who'd even drive that??". I guess it's a nice wakeup call because i want to be humble and appreciate what i have. I want to live a modest life, and sometimes i feel i'm a bit spoiled and when i travel and i see what other people live with, much less and they do ok, it makes me think how great it is to not have a lot but still be alright.

I don't really understand material possession. I went on a "shopping spree" this weekend for house decor and i feel really guilty about it. (Mainly because i cut into my travel funds even more -heart break-). My shopping spree was at Value Village. I ADORE used stuff. Once i get a little bit more pocket change, i'll do saturday garage sale shopping again. I LOVE going through people's things that they don't need. one man's junk is another man's treasure. They're not quite antiques, but they have a story and I find it great. Value Village is hundreds of garage sale pieces all in one location. haha
that was my shopping spree. *blush* No fancy Ikea stuff. But anyway, still feel a bit guilty.

We should always be grateful for what we have :)

the seasons in Canada

2011-05-23T13:29:00.002-04:00

i compare the changing of seasons here in Canada to a plane landing. Some pilots do a smooth descent and some go up and down, up and down, my stomach also going up and down (as if the ground is hot lava!!) until finally they decide to land and then there's an abrupt touching of the runway and everybody starts clapping. Most likely because they're thankful they didn't crash, because it's obvious they're not applauding the way the pilot chose to land.

Anyway....so in canada we have 2 seasons. Winter and summer. Anything in between is an up and down of temperatures that takes FOREVER to level off and before you know it, we go from extreme cold to extreme hot. I think we've successfully emerged into early summer. I remember a month ago it was still pretty damn chilly. Trees started to bloom, we got a bit more snow, and now...the ratio of cars with canoes on their back is 3:5 and i'm jealous of each and every one of them because my car, the Optra 5, was MADE for a canoe. Side note: for those of you who don't know, when the car engineers thought out hatchbacks, they had them in mind with canoes/kayaks on their back. And if you own one and you DO NOT also own a canoe/kayak, then you're not giving your car its full potential. Much like those people who own Mustangs and they just keep them in their garage all the time. WASTE OF CAR!!!!!!!!!

so...I was just looking out the window and i'd like to know where spring went. I've been trying to get some free shooting done with the flowering trees and ...there's no more flowering trees almost. The cherry trees lasted about 2 days. The tree in front of my window bloomed and now the petals are already falling off.

This is a picture of my awesome comfy couch. My apartment is coming along nicely. The living room looks real cozy. The bedroom...needs more work.

I'm going for the cottage/country house feel. Because maybe if i pretend, i'll actually get to live in one one day :D

on past lives...

2011-05-20T22:28:00.002-04:00

i don't think i've ever been skeptical of the "past lives" idea. The moment it was introduced to me, it sounded right. Well with most things that i agree and feel right about, i don't actually remember HOW i came across them or who told me about them. They're just part of my thought process as if they were always there. Like a thought that i brushed aside and then one day i remembered it.

So past lives... Things about friends, people you meet and feel like you've known them forever. Is it good chemistry or is it because really you've known them for a long time? a LOOOONG time!!! I'm 90% sure that it has to do with knowing them for a long time. There's been a few people in my life that i've met that i feel like that about, where we met and started talking and i felt "well about time we reconnected!" haha

Sometimes i like to guess what our previous life relationship was. But i think that no matter what you were, the connection in this lifetime has already been agreed on. Some people i meet and feel like they used to be a brother or sister to me before. A friend of mine feels like a mother to me.

Sometimes i get really melancholic..you know when you think of your childhood and think of a specific place or an incident. For a while I used to get moments like that but I used to think of places i've never been to. Or new places I visited that i felt connected to but i just visited. Places that felt they were pulling my interest towards them.
It's pretty weird so i'd just think of it as a part of a movie i saw or some book i read that created those feelings. But lately I've had the same feeling of melancholy about places that i have lived in my childhood. So if it's the same feeling, then I'm thinking that perhaps we as spiritual beings are capable of feeling connections to things and places that happened in other lives.

No??

I'm pretty sure that 99% of people have at some point in their lives thought something like "i feel like i've been here before" when visiting places they've never been. Or when you want to travel to a place, i wish i knew what pulls the mind towards it. What sparks the interest. Is it previous knowledge?
Yes it could be just the interest in a new culture, but I feel like what we like and don't like or have interest in, is still usually rooted in things that makes us feel connected towards that subject.Where do those interests come from for things we've never been exposed to??

dun dun duuuuuunnnnnnn

stuff i've been thinking about lately...

moved

2011-05-19T21:36:00.002-04:00

crazy crazy.

i'd like a little moment to enjoy my new place.

there's this flower tree outside my giant windows. Will bloom soon.Will photograph. Will become my new muse.

my addiction

2011-05-11T21:59:00.000-04:00

I'm addicted to discovering new places. And if i can't, i just daydream and pretend i'm there anyways.I'm addicted to planes and trains.

I love to pack.
I love to retell the story.

Travel is my drug, and so is the light.
shh. don't tell.it's a secret.

a walk through Havana

2011-05-10T21:40:00.005-04:00

Walking through empty streets in Havana, where the few people you encounter are people trying to sell stuff to confused tourists, or retired seniors.

The swarm of tourists flock to well known plazas, markets, and the candy coloured vintage American cars.

"these people have no idea they own million dollar cars"-I heard someone say behind me.
I'm walking through Havana with my friend and her Cuban cousin, who both were kind enough to amuse my photographic insanity and take me for a stroll in the city.
I carry around 3 cameras in my bags at all times on vacation, and when i'm home, NOT having a camera in my bag makes me uncomfortable.

[ It's not that i take pictures of EVERYTHING, it's the thought of missing on recording a piece of a building, or a flower or a certain sun ray through a tree that makes me want to always have my camera on me. ]

Back in Havana, all the pictures I have of my friends are always from behind, them walking ahead of me talking, not paying attention to the candy coloured houses, because I was always left behind trying to capture all street corners and all American cars that i saw. I'm not a tourist, i'm a traveler wanting to catch every vibration and dance of the places I visit. I want to look at the people and try to read their faces to guess their story. I'm a HUGE people watcher. I think i could sit and watch people all day and not say a word. Just watch and observe. Daydream. Record the moment in my mind.

[ When i was staying with my friend's relatives in Havana, we all sat on the porch and although i know no Spanish, it was pleasant to watch them all speak, watch their body language, watch them interact with each other. ]

I see Havana as blocks of abstract paint against the blue skies, where flock of birds are free and locals wait for their next sunset.

Then the afternoon sun settled in the the street swarmed with locals finding their way home, and the children found no change as they sat on the side of the walls by the water daring each other to jump into the waves.

On the way back from Havana to Varadero, we drove through a town by the sea and a giant flock of pigeons flew across the sky in the sunset. They sparkled silver and gray against the blue-orange sky and locals enjoying an evening ocean dip didn't seem to care or observe.

friends

2011-05-09T21:34:00.002-04:00

I'm a believer that some people in life you meet, you spend time with, and then you part ways. Ideas change, interests change, things change. And you go different ways.
Things fall apart and you stop talking.

But sometimes those people come back. I wish I could pick who comes back and who never leaves and who stays forever. But i can't it doesn't work that way.

One of my friends and i reunited a few days ago. My apartment situation right now isn't great, but it's old news and change is coming soon, but for a while i felt like i was coming home to a dark place and the people i was in touch with and needed their friendship weren't here. And in the end those who offered me their hand were the people i thought of last on the list as people who would come here and visit me.

So I'm glad to report that friends are like boomerangs. They go away and sometimes they come back...unless they get stuck in a tree...

And on that same note, i'd like to say how proud I am of my very diverse group of friends. Nobody is the same. They're all a different seed that blooms a special different flower, and even if i disagree with some of their views and how some live their life, i still love and appreciate them.

I appreciate and am thankful for all those awesome people i know(even if sometimes we clash..but it's normal)... Whether they live in my city, or in another country. By the way, i'm on a quest to visit all my online friends :D

anyway....

Let me show you the beach..

2011-05-08T09:21:00.003-04:00

this picture right here actually inspires me for a painting. But....it's either packing, or going outside to explore the blue skies and the cherry trees....hmm!!!!

May monday votes

2011-05-03T20:40:00.003-04:00

yesterday was the first time i ever voted. And i feel like more than ever, my vote didn't even count. he got a majority. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but i'm sure it's bad. great.

In other news...this is shaping up to be a fantastic May.
Will be moving to a great place.
Spring is coming
And some of my experimental travel photography will be published this month. YAY. so excited. People will see plastic camera artwork. A lot of it was taken a few years ago, and a few in Florida. One day, i'll have a big artshow showcasing my travel artwork.

A week and a half until the big move weekend. Will be a long day.

action and intentions

2011-04-30T16:14:00.002-04:00

Are you for actions or intentions?

would you have people around you, friends, new people, family, life partner...be plentiful in good intentions or good actions?
Have someone constantly say good things or do good things.

In a way good intentions are not a bad thing. It's positive thoughts anyways, right? But good actions are even better. Why say and not do? Why say "i'll help out" and then not? Why say "yes i'll be there" and then not go?

it makes me feel as thought the intention was meant well, if it's not followed by the action, then was it really true?

also...."things aren't what they seem"..so don't assume.

True. There are lots of things under the surface we don't know about. But present is reality. What we see is reality. Don't assume. But if you assume wrong, you also assume right by thinking something else is out there.
If the situation is looking stale and rancid, i think it's best to take it as it is. Don't assume anything. Realize the situation is what it is and...move on. Separate yourself from it by focusing on other things, or removing yourself from the issue.

That's my advice.

:)

the light rays of Havana

2011-04-29T22:26:00.001-04:00

afternoon walk in havana

cuba in pictures

2011-04-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

back from adventures in Cuba

2011-04-26T11:39:00.002-04:00

This has been my second time in Cuba, but a different experience than the last because i got the special opportunity to visit with some locals(family of my friend's), who were hospitable and very kind. We sat on the porch and watched people in the streets, with slight reminisce of my own childhood staying with my grandparents and watch the sun make its course and watch the leaves slightly flutter in the wind. Except I didn't grow up in the Caribbeans.

On the way back home in the plane, I daydreamed of my next adventure and future trips. I wouldn't mind being poor if all my money were to go towards travel. My mind went to the UK and fancy nights in Paris wearing yellow heels and walking down cobblestone streets. I've never been to the Scottish countryside, but i'd like to be there one day.

I have so many different scenarios running through my head. Where to live and what to experience in travel. I hope that i'll at least get to travel to all continents at least once.

But to live in the Caribbeans, or in the UK countryside, or live in a small rooftop apartment in Paris...fantasies...

Currently at home, April is wet and gloomy. Last year the trees were in bloom around this time. I wonder if they waited for me to get back to bloom haha

My next bit of vacation is in June. I'm thinking I could head out West and see the mountains in Banff.

Pictures to follow.

on love...

2011-04-17T19:22:00.003-04:00

in a world where hearts are mechanical and technology in the world we live in, real romantic stories still exist. They keep me hoping that maybe it's not over.

I grew up with a bit of a rosey romantic idea in my head that we meet "the one" and we get married and we live happily ever after. The one being the ultimate feeling of love and understanding, feeling the other person's thoughts and heartbeat, wanting the same future, and adjusting to each other's needs and wishes.

And a few years ago i met a boy. And i could feel his thoughts and heartbeat. But then i had to let it go for unfortunate reasons. And it always made me feel like it was such a joke to meet this person and have that crazy connection and then choose, on my own, to not spend this life with him because all that about future things and present things weren't matching.

Ever since i made that choice i've wondered if there will be another great love and if love REALLY exists.

From time to time people share with me their great love stories that do have a happy ending. It makes me believe that all's not lost.
I heard a beautiful love story at work. Someone's getting married to a childhood sweetheart. They let go of each other and reunited years later, at the right time, the same connection, the same love. Imagine always knowing that one person is the person for you but you can't get off your life's rollercoaster and you have to just wait it out. And then one day.....it's like there's a moving train and one person is on the platform and one person is in the train wanting to get off. And the train stops and the train stops right at the right place, where that person is waiting.

delicious love stories.

I'm watching Eat, Pray, Love. A great friend of mine gave me the book to READ. I'm watching the movie. I'm sorry. I'm cheating :P and i know you're reading this hahah
I see myself in the main character. Except i write for fun, but she thinks outloud and analyzes her life to her friends. Like i do ;)

ghosts

2011-04-15T23:10:00.002-04:00

love can be anything.

I'm finding it hard to show a better side of me when things push me to the edge. I find it hard to find compassion and understanding with certain people who just do things that *I* particularly find offensive or mean or cruel.
I don't know how to deal with the current living situations. In the end, i only have about 3 weeks left here but this inner child in me just wants to kick and scream and stomp and put all MY THINGS in my room and not let anyone use them. Just because! well, mainly because the person i live with(i think) hasn't shown her face in about 2 weeks BUT, she DOES come around, because things are randomly getting used, and things are randomly left to be cleaned and i find it odd for so many reasons.

i don't know patience. and it seems i don't know understanding either. But what's there to understand since i don't recall doing anything so awful that has caused this.

I was talking to my friend about this the other day and as a true mediator he said he doesn't know the other side of the story. True. And i'd like to know it too! and ultimately you want to see/know the other side when there's been a legitimate conflict that makes you want to figure out who's at fault, but with no communication, where is this mystery fault??
Could i have done something so terrible?!?!something so appalling that it would make someone only come home when i'm not there?! really??...

it's for that reason that i just want to hide all my things and say "well if you can't play nice, why are you using my stuff??" That little 5 year old me isn't too happy with the situation.

anyway .... 2 more weeks...
I'm very passive aggressive. I try and want to avoid confrontation at all costs.
My dark fantasy is to be able to move my things to the new place without roommate being here and then i can just leave the keys in the mailbox and i won't have to deal with the whole moving out awkwardness.

adventure booked.

2011-04-13T22:47:00.000-04:00

cuba.

first time ever i'm on a trip for my bday.

excited.

goodnight.

rainy day in ....

2011-04-10T11:26:00.002-04:00

today is rainy and cloudy. It might be the first spring rain of the year. The other one we had had wet snow so it doesn't count. I went for an early morning walk with my coffee. Yup. walking around with coffee like a hipster HAHA

I love when things fall into place. Moving to a new place soon.
Spring is coming
HOPEFULLY, i will be at the beach in Cuba for my bday next week. COME ON PASSPORT!!!

and my baby cat is the bestest.

This year is for working super hard on my freelance photography.

(I hear thunder. that means spring is for sure here!)

Yesterday I booked my second paid wedding photography gig. Hopefully after this year, i'll have more confidence when i meet my clients.
I also have a few free gigs for wedding photography. A big wedding as second shooter. Mainly to see what a big wedding is all about and to see a main photographer deal with a big wedding. Very excited!

that's it. Puzzle pieces falling into place :D

april clouds

2011-04-06T21:01:00.002-04:00

April is a hard month for me. I share my birth month with someone else, on the 28th, that i miss and a lot of things happened last year as well that add onto this month's sort of bittersweet experience.

Last year ....i just wish i could travel to last year's April, just for a bit.
Some people will always stay on my mind my whole life.

we're alive in daydreams

probable realities

2011-04-02T23:11:00.003-04:00

i just finished watching 127 Hours and at some point in the movie, he goes back and traces his life to make sense of the situation he's in. And he says something like "i made the situation i'm in right now. I was moving towards this rock and this moment all my life".

He was tracing back and trying to figure out why he's all alone and nobody;s there with him.(You have to watch it to know what i'm talking about). But why is he alone? Why does nobody know who he is? He realizes that he chose that exact specific event on his own.

So imagine all the different paths we could've taken in our own lives and where we'd be. Imagine talking to Stranger #1 at the beach, or taking route B instead of A on the way home. Not give that person your phone # and not allow for that person to cancel on you three times.

Where would you be? How would your life be? Who would you love?

I feel like sometimes those alternate choices make no difference. But do they? Maybe i don't know. maybe i don't see it. Maybe they create some sort of ripple effect of energy that sends out things into the future or the way our brain waves work.
Like say you stand up for yourself in a situation, something you've never done before, and you think that wasn't much of an issue, but maybe in your head your mind starts to say "i deserve this right!!" and so maybe everything else after starts to rearrange and more deserving things happen. more people offer respect.

Or say you allow someone to only give you their time when they want to and also want something in return, not when you need a friend. Keep doing that and eventually everybody will do that.

it must do SOMETHING. i think. it makes sense in my head.

the city

2011-03-27T21:16:00.002-04:00

being in the city reminds me that i need to be closer to nature. i miss those farming fields right outside suburbia. I envy people in country homes. I want their stability and their peace.

I live near a giant park and i can get lost in the forest. There's swans and there's dogs and there's squirrels. But there's something different about green spaces in the city.

It feels like there's such a tension between the trees and the expanding houses. It feels like those trees have a lot more energy to absorb than those trees 20km away from the city. I don't know why. it feels that way.

It feels like the city vibes are all pulled into those city parks like a vortex and even those city parks aren't relaxing enough to release the constant distractions of the people. There's people everywhere! And everybody has something to do, and somewhere to go. It's fun to watch them.

But it's exhausting.

I miss the quietness and the calmness.

I also miss somebody who reminds me of that calmness. During the good times. Not the bad. When we miss things, we always miss the good, and forget the bad.

i think i finally know what i want. I think i want to live in a country house out in the fields and watch the plants grow and die with every season.

laughs

2011-03-21T21:15:00.001-04:00

haha

confused

2011-03-19T21:49:00.001-04:00

sometimes i feel like i have to make a change in my life and then i make that change, thinking that it'll be best for me, then when that transition happens, i feel so out of it and confused. And i feel like i'm not in the right spot, where i should be.

I don't deal well with change. It takes a while to adjust even if it IS a good thing.

Around the same time last year, i made a similar change in moving. I find that interesting.

Spring is coming. new growth. new adventures.

i'm daydreaming of farm fields.
orange horizons.

:)

animal voiceovers

2011-03-04T20:31:00.001-05:00

HAHAH best thing EVER!!

season depression

2011-02-28T21:01:00.002-05:00

this is probably the worst emotional reaction i've had in a long time. I don't know why, but i've been getting crossed with a lot of people. Everything people say annoys me or i want to start an argument over. People are pushing my buttons left, right and center. I feel so detached and alone. I feel like it's come at a bad time cos soon i'll have a roommie to share space with and i hope that it doesn't force me to lock myself up in my room and be antisocial.

But this is what i've been doing. I've been hibernating to avoid contact and of course my energy's been so strong that a lot of people have fallen off from my reach and have turned their back. And i have dreams of friends not caring and rejecting me and turning their backs.

I haven't felt so left out in a long time. I don't know why.

and i realize that the energy I put out, most currently my cruddyness, won't get anyone to just walk up and say "hey!! you'll be fine!!*GIANT HUG*" but maybe it'll happen. It would really help out.

sigh.

i'm leaving

2011-02-26T20:23:00.002-05:00

i've been a mega grouch all day. ALL.DAY!

i wanted to sit by the window and watch the snowflakes and work on my seashell project, so i went to my friendly hardware store and got a dremmel, except the batteries are out and i can't get them out. the instructions manual says there's a little latch of some sort i have to press down on to release the battery pack. Umm...there isn't such a thing in my model. I feel like such a girl. Tomorrow i have to go back to the store and ask for instructions. Or return the damn thing.

Today i started packing. i hate packing. I'm horrible at it. I put all my cameras in this box and now, it's pretty hard to lift it. Good job!!

no passport

2011-02-22T00:16:00.004-05:00

in another life i'd like to be a traveler. And I guess this is where my nomadic Gypsy genes(by osmosis) are coming out.

What is the point of living in this beautiful world is you can't see it with your own eyes?
people who don't own a passport, or have an expired password scare me. I look at them like alien creatures that live in caves.

(I should start drawing again.)

i only wish that one day, i'll have a travel adventure every month. I'd like to go see Africa! And the Middle East!!

South America!!

what pains me is that with my company, around my birthday this year, we get almost a week off due to holidays. Including Easter holidays. That means that if i wanted a 12 days vacation, i'd only have to ask for ONE day off. And yet...THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO!!!!!!

and that right there scares me. With moving out i may not be able to afford it, but also, i may not have someone to go with. In the end, even if it's just the issue of going alone, i would go anywhere!!

i don't get why some people don't travel. :(

good vibes so that something comes up and i can go somewhere in April.

cardinal

2011-02-21T19:53:00.001-05:00

little winter visitor.

department of redundancy dept.

2011-02-19T10:40:00.002-05:00

A few months ago i felt like things were too repetitive and "safe". My acquaintances would never step out of their limitations and I wasn't getting anywhere with things. And then i started making new friends and adventures were happening every week. I was learning about new things, experiencing new things.

And now in a way, i feel like the old is ancient, the new became the old somewhere around the end of last year, and again i find myself trying to pull the energy towards new things and people.

I like variety in my life and i enjoy the variety of people that i speak to. I enjoy a variety of sounds. Why should everything be get up, work, sleep?!? why should everything be one culture? Why should everything be one colour?

I don't understand people who wear non colours(gray, black) all the time.
I don't understand people who ONLY listen to ...metal. Or dubstep. Or hiphop. I don't.
I don't understand people who are happy to never get out of their city.
I don't understand people who have nothing to say.

I feel like i'm moving towards something good still. And i'm finally gaining my freedom.

2011-02-13T23:11:00.002-05:00

and what are you supposed to do when your life is going so well and new things are happening...
but...
you suddenly start missing somebody you're not supposed to be missing.Somebody who isn't good.

stupid winter. makes me think stupid thoughts.

i can't wait to explore my new neighbourhood in the spring.

my stars are not aligned

2011-02-06T01:24:00.002-05:00

...something about some planet crossing my house that makes me so imbalanced these days. i don't know what i want, and i don't know what path to go on. I have so many choices, so many daydreams in my head. Everything is exciting and everybody new i meet are worth putting time into, all opportunities are worth experiencing. YES YES YES to everything.
The only problem is that which one of those is actually going to benefit me the most?
I want adventures on dirt roads in south america. And i want quiet sunsets on the Eastern Coast. I want wooden house in the forests. And i want traveling vans.

I'm a simple person. It's fun to live it up a little bit, but in the end, i want to feed my mind with creativity, nature, and simplicity. I want to see green trees out my window, not flashing lights.

I want to put a smile on everyone's face. But, who will put a smile on mine?

late night thoughts on "change"

2011-02-01T22:03:00.002-05:00

should we always remain the same? or should we change??

nature changes. no summer is ever the same as before.

So why should we as people not change??!! is it not a good thing to learn and adjust and change and become better people?
If you're harmful to yourself or to others, is it not good to change? Harm to self whether it's to allow other to harm and to forgive with the thought that forgiveness is better than to hold a grudge?

And where do we end up if we don't change? it would be like walking this earth our whole lives and not learning anything. Being such a stubborn body and mind that refuses to apply any of life's lessons. Be the same. But what if we;re not happy?

But happy people change too. Except change from bad to good is more visible.

He said i changed.
He said i changed like it was a bad thing.
he said, "you're not the girl i used to know. You want to be like your new friends".

The girl he used to know let him hurt her all the time and then take it all back, apologize like it was HER fault, wait and wait and wait and take him back. She would always put forgiveness and energy into the wrong people's lives. People who were perhaps not worthy of that love and attention.

A great friend of mine said that it's not worth wasting energy on those who don't want it. Why not waste energy on people who DO want it?

So I tried to cut him off because it was hurtful what he did and i allowed it. I think i cut him off and allowed him back into my life maybe 5 times. And every time i'd say "this is the end, done." And then a few weeks after i'd forgive because he always made me believe i was some crazy over reacting person that had NO right to anything.

So yes I've changed. I moved away and I met some wonderful new people who deserve my time and energy because i know that if i stick up for them, they'll stick up for me. I know they'll come to my rescue if i need them.

He thinks that's bad. Because i won't take him back. Because i'm changed and I want more and that i won't give these people up to go see him. Every time he asks. But we;re friends. Yes. But then, why again do i get no effort from his side to come to me?? Why me always??

So i said not anymore. not this time. You want my time, show the effort. So I was told i'm not the same and that i'm not a good girl anymore. I asked if that's all he got online to tell me. He said "the truth hurts doesn;t it??".

Ummm...no. I'm glad you see I've changed. I'm glad I'm not the same person he knew.
i'm glad i can now talk through this bullshit and mind abuse and not really have any reaction.

Someone told me this would be a transitional year for me. I'm glad it's going in a good direction.

anyway. change is good. energy finally well spent.

friends and the winds of change

2011-01-28T19:37:00.003-05:00

things i noticed lately:
1)the wave of people being sick all at the same time. I've gotten sick again this january. It's not a real flu..one or two days...but i haven't been sick in about 6 years. I'm lucky that it doesn't last long.

2) when life changes, and when ideas and needs change, people fall apart and bonds break.

Last year, around August i said to myself i wanted to make at least 3 new friends by the end of the year. I make friends really hard. I'm shy and it's hard to start conversations with people sometimes. But, I ended up wanting more from life and i ended up with more than 3 new friends. Things started happening and adventures were beginning. New friendships. Good energy flow.
Old people that were part of the past fell through and i haven't seen those people in months. SOmeone once said to not let it get to me. It does and it doesn't. It doesn't bother me that we're no longer seeing each other, it bothers me when that piece of my past makes its way into the present and some people trying to bring it back into the present. I don't like that. New people. New adventures.

I've been cutting off a lot of the old ties. Not meaning to. But i'm moving forward in a good direction and some people just won't let go.
I moved away from Montreal last spring and still had ties. Hurtful ties that i shouldn't have kept for so long. But i was determined to keep them. Fix the karma and end things on a good note. But now, i don't care how it ends. I don't care to fix that drama. This boy hurt me and i allowed him to hurt me and it's just not fair. What do i want? What i wanted in my heart is what i got, and that wrongful friendship, if i can call it that, is no longer alive. Cut. The strings are cut finally.
and it's funny how hard i tried to hold on to those ties and retie them up when they broke before. And forgave bad action after action.
HAHAHA i laugh at that.
my mind is clean now from that person.
He may hate me all he wants, he doesn't deserve my friendship. you can't just do nothing for someone and expect them to want to be your friend or more.

things are good

awaiting spring. awaiting adventures.

sometimes..

2011-01-18T00:22:00.001-05:00

...things feel so right.
like you float on water and you don't care where you're heading.

but you float. And it's safe.
and that's alright.

and my cat is the best

lauryn..

2011-01-08T20:36:00.001-05:00

..please start making music again. please? ok cool.

on another note...what;s going on with the world? seriously?....dead birds??
kind of weird because i used to paint dead birds and the description i had for it is what people are seeing now in real life with the birds.

so creepy.

do you love her madly?

2011-01-06T23:44:00.003-05:00

i love ska/punk bands. SO SO SOOOO MUCH!!! That bass line is sooooooooooooooooooo DELICIOUS it's not even funny!

and this!!

so slow and then...so punk. LOVE PUNK.

anyway...

i miss a friend.
it doesn't matter.
i have nothing to say....

see a new beginning rise behind the sun

2011-01-05T19:13:00.004-05:00

This is probably one of my top 5 music videos.

"Peel off all those eyes and crawl into the dark,
You've poisoned all of your children to camouflage your scars
Pray unto the splinters, pray unto your fear
Pray your life was just a dream
The cut that never heals"- man that you fear

Marilyn Manson is one of my FAVORITE writers/poets/musicians. LOVE him!!
I always thought a conversation with him would be crazy amazing. Yes he's weird. But all creative minds are "weird". His music videos are art.
I think he's one of the people who inspired me to start writing poetry.

The poetry actually started when i was little, reaaalllyy young and the voice in my head would speak in rhymes and i remember looking at trees or at plants and get in this weird state of mind where i wanted to write stuff down and it wasn't real sentences. More like words that were oddly placed but they made sense.

Anyway, i never did write as a kid, but when my creative mind started developing, i was listening to music like Marilyn Manson and the Deftones and Silverchair. And all those people write such good songs and i love the poetry behind their music. Plus, Mr. Warner, is very well spoken and that in its own inspires me to write.
I think it would be real cool if one day I got to photograph him.

Would i put him in a scene and photograph? Or would i show "Brian"? Or would i spend the day with him and then based on our conversation and his state of mind at the time, i'd come up with a photo shoot idea. hehe

"Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls" - Coma White

i love poetry in music. Sounds are poetry. Music is the only thing i can't do. i can just listen and it feeds my art.
I should appreciate people who are so bold as to create music, but i find that just like art, there's some that are too weak to actually create good music. Sometimes you should just sit back and listen, but who am i to kill someone's dream? I just don't think being creative is a skill. It's something you're born with and if you have to struggle, then you should give up, and you can ALWAYS tell who should give up. Lately it seems music people are the people i'm closest with. My grandma tried to teach me to play piano. Well, i don't play piano. It's better to sit in the dark and let the sounds guide my brain waves, if that even makes sense. And poetry...just happens. That's it. The end.

you've crossed the walls

2011-01-05T01:49:00.003-05:00

imagine if we stayed up
to witness the sunrise
and speak to the fireflies.

imagine if it all
was spoken for in the Tarot.

then here is where the safety heart
would be thrown aside
on the streets of heavy feet,
where the delusional and confused
still searched for the answers.

here we would be,
witnesses,
when we have the answers,
and we'd reach out
to the non believers
and tell them the secrets
on truthful lips
stung by our flesh.
so deep the red.
so hollow the bodies
we live in.

© Jiorji
__________________________________________________________________

i think everything's ok now. i just wish i could make things ok for everybody else who is down. I wish i could protect all the innocent that get dragged with me.

it's kind of crazy how close i came to what i wanted to get, even if in the end i had to walk away from it.

lots and lots of poems. They come so easily. I need to paint but i can't find my paints

poem

2011-01-04T02:42:00.002-05:00

reflections of a night's past ghosts
echo on the tip of my tongue.

avalanches spiral out of control
and i try to protect the poison tree.
i want to throw it in the deep waters
and make it float away from my memory,
but the salt on my wound
will only make the cuts sting deeper.

sea animals came to my rescue
and all i can see is the beach.
she reached out to me
with her beautiful laced locks
and saved me from drowning with him.
save me.
save me and i promise i won't jump again.

the waters are so tempting
but i don't want to drown yet.

© Jiorji

pray for the death of everything new..

2011-01-02T17:27:00.006-05:00

"the death of everything new"...that right there is so sad, and so true

(i hope Chi will be back with the Deftones one day)

i lost my stupid battery charger for one of my cameras. 2011. you suck. Bring it on though. I've fallen and gotten up before many, many times. I'm ready!!!!!!!!!!!

And while on the subject of cameras and equipment. Is there ever really enough? NO! I want a fisheye now. And the 30mm. WANT WANT WANT.

I hate routine, I hate repetition. There's times when my dreams are the coolest psychedelic experiences and they're so vivid and unreal but so awesome. Reality is boring. I wish i wasn't bound to this stupid reality. Get up, go to work, come back home, sleep and repeat. Yeah, the honeymoon period with my job is over. merr.

so in my dream, i was in this strange city and it was at night and i looked up and there was another city i could see in the sky, but it was seen from above, picture an airplane view at night. In the dream it looked like we were really close to another planet, so i asked, "what is that??". And whoever, some voice said something about it being the next town over. But for some reason it was showing in the sky...??...like the roads were going up at 45* angles and you'd see the city lights in the distance but...up in the sky.

Ok...that isn't a good description. Picture the milky way...but with yellow lights and more in the shape of city outline with roads and stuff. And you look there and say "what is that?" and someone says "that's the next town over". TRIPPY!!
that was my dream.

And then some more landscape and there was a boat. And that's about all i can remember. A lot like my double exposure photography that merges two worlds into one and you sit there and wonder, which way is the right side up??

...and tomorrow i'm getting canvas, and i hope my paint didn't freeze in the garage because i really can;t photograph products all day and call it creativity :(

2010-2011

2011-01-01T12:20:00.002-05:00

Right now it's all fuzzy in my head and i try to make sense of things. For my own good. Not for the benefit of others. I think i should just give up. I'm starting to think and agree more and more than in the end we're just entities walking the earth on our own responsible for our own happiness. And yes. Nobody should be responsible for your happiness but yourself, but cuts can be deep and what do you do?

I've been thinking more about my sign and how being a taurus makes me be in situations. Still got to keep my short fuse in check, still have to learn to take criticism, still have to learn to not be addicted to my own pain. You fall, you get up...but is it not better to sit quietly in a dark room and bawl your eyes out and shut the world out?

Things are just disappointing. And i've always hated the "day after" of a dark night. It feels like the storm has lifted and i'm trying to make sense of the piece of the shipwreck.

But one day, i'll learn to just let things be, shrug it off, and walk away. Can i do that today??

2010 started off a confusing lonely year in Montreal complete with bad decisions and a bad hook up that i REALLY wish never happened. And then evil from past came back into my life only to show me what emotional abuse really feels like. I think moving back to Toronto and letting that person walk away in the summer was the best thing that i've ever decided to do. It doesn't matter if he thinks he left me, it's ok. I'll just add on to his ego, i don't really give a shit, the point is that i broke off crazy bad energy around me and lots of good things happened in my life after that. The energies shifted and all that. My goal was to make 3 new friends, and i think i ended up with more.

And then 2011, i lost friends.....

i just don't trust people's intentions sometimes. I don't trust people saying they care, yet they do the opposite. It's happened before....right around april to June 2010....
fuckin breaks my heart.
who do you trust?
i guess the best person to trust is yourself because you're the only person who knows what you want and need and if you care about yourself you can't really walk away from yourself.

umm........how about that new tattoo?? haha
pain sounds good!!

but the taurus..cut everyone off for one person, even if doing that would hurt myself too. yup. that's me. i'm trying to learn, but i'm stubborn.

so ..... 2011:
(in no particular order)

-canoe
-lots of road trips
-more photo shoots
-quit the rat race
-make more friends
-visit south/central america..i want to visit natalia!!
-live in a van.....
-grow mi locks ;)
-live in a tent
-get back to painting
-go to Bonnaroo
-go to outdoor rave festivals
-go snowboarding
-have a wedding photo shoot every month
-buy a farm house- live here in the summer and then live in the van for winter and drive south...oh the life!!

blogger and flickr

2010-12-27T21:45:00.004-05:00

i've taken a not so planned hiatus from flickr and blogger. Flickr, because i'm tired of photographing my cat and lately, with the snow and stuff, there hasn't been much to photograph. And blogger...well, there's not much to say. Sometimes i get shy :P

2010 was a mix of everything from stray cats, new friends, ghosts, familiar places, new places, new adventures, beginning of new adventures, seeds, sunsets, nature and awakenings.

2011 will be more adventures, more photography, more friends, more sunsets, more camping, more tents, more canoes, more good vibes.

2010 in pictures part 1:

RIP Bubu

rockstar

2010-12-07T00:08:00.003-05:00

yeeeaahhhh!!
on saturday i was photographing my band(GoldieLUXX) at the Hard Rock bar here in town, the same place the pictures below were taken, BUT this time they got to play on the main floor, with proper lighting and everything.

I know you want to see what i ended up with...

F1.4 50mm sigma lens. Worth every damn penny. Except...now i REALLY want the 30mm f1.4 because it gives a wider angle. I wish one day Sigma or canon will come out with a zoom f1.4 lens. The all in one lens so that you don't have all this equipment that's worth an arm and a leg, that you can only use once. But do i dare shoot Goldie with a vintage cam?? hmm?? do i?? at a live show??
my f stop was 1.4 and my ISO was 1600. At times i got to shoot with 1/300 and the faces have almost no definition, but they have that wonderful dim light rock show glow. Which i LOOOVEEEE!!! Definitely making a new batch of business cards from these. The grain from ISO1600 bothers me to no extent. Only because with digital, it's so close to looking like pixelation, when it's just grain. Digital has horrible grain i find.

and...i lost my train of thought there while searching ISO options for the t1i canon.....

apple tree

2010-12-01T21:02:00.000-05:00

holga and scratches and lightleaks

live band photo

2010-11-28T00:06:00.002-05:00

Goldie Luxx, ~~played~~ put a bunch of local bands in their place at the Hard Luck bar in Toronto.

I need to step up my game with photography in this area. It never gets boring with photography.

...continued from the other blog...

so this is my little pet peeve here. I get a lot of people arguing with me, for the sake of making conversation i guess..??...that photography as a career will die out. "they make SLR's available to everyone now. ANYONE can get an SLR and use it."

uhh yeah buddy sure. ANYONE can buy an SLR, but how many people can do it all?? Properly shoot a wedding, a portrait, a live band?? Fuck! i sure can't! and i'm in it "professionally". There's so much to learn and experiment with and lenses to learn and settings.

And i'm not sure all photographers can do it all. But i'd like to.

I have a lot of cameras and some will argue "you only need one. What are you doing??!!"

each camera is different. Each camera has a little secret. Each camera has a different personality and i need to know them all.

Oddly enough, i'm not picky about film. Film is film. It's the camera that matters.

Now i want an f1.4 30mm lens. YES I DO!!

..........we jammin, jammin, jammin............

yoga - it hurts

2010-11-26T21:02:00.002-05:00

continuing my yoga experience, yesterday i decided to try another 20 minute yoga video, but this one had an intermediate warning at the beginning. I thought "eeehhh how hard can it be..??"
umm well, 5 minutes into it, she did an arm stand and that's when i thought "ok, this isn't good. stick to beginner" lol

then i tried a different video, also intermediate. You know how i knew?? Because now my waist muscles, muscles i didn't know could hurt, are in pain LOL

oh well...better luck next time.

tonight i'm seeing my band play their very first show!! YEEAAAHHHHH!!!!
i don't know what to wear. DECISIONS!
But i'm on the guest list. VIP!
i've never been on anyone's guest list. This should be very exciting. My dates for this event are the olympus Pen and the Canon Xt. Yeah, we're having a threesome.

In terms of lighting and live band photography, i have NO idea what i'm doing. So we'll see. But my band is so damn awesome that if i fail tonight, they have a bunch of other shows lined up so, again, better luck next time. But let's not assume failure before it happens. I can't fail with two cameras can i ??

yoga

2010-11-23T23:06:00.002-05:00

After months and months of deliberation, i've finally started yoga. In my own living room. April would be proud.(I hope)

The motivation to doing yoga is that i have a little thing called TMJ. Yes. As laid back and relaxed i am as a person, i have TMJ. Because my muscles got so used to the routine of tooth grinding and jaw clenching, that they have forgotten how to relax. After research, it seems that yoga would be able to restore the natural relaxed state of my muscles.

I never picked up yoga before because it truly is a discipline, but why not be disciplined to be healthy and relaxed and add on to my new quest of well being and peace?

I've only started with 20 minute exercises because it's very hard for me to focus and keep still like that. Unless i'm at the computer. But i'm very fidgety in a lot of situations and i hope that with time, once i'm more confident with the positions and with the breathing, i will increase the time for yoga. I hope one day i'll do it on my own without any instructional videos. I hope one day, April will teach me in person her own routine :)
so far i just browse yoga videos on youtube. Works well enough.

other than that friends, fall her is confusing and i feel the earth retaining an unusual warmth that i wish wasn't here in november. But we should be getting snow next week, and you KNOW that'll send me off on a fun nature ride in search of a photo shoot. Just me and the soft snow in the corn fields.

And this friday I'm heading out to see my band play their first show. And i'll be shooting my very first live band photographs. CANNOT WAIT!!!

Winter is for tea. Books. And daydreaming...and raving with good friends. What else is there to do but dance winter away??

peace

fall landscape

2010-11-20T17:44:00.001-05:00

the free people tribe

2010-11-14T21:42:00.003-05:00

For the past 3-4 months i've been somewhat unhappy with how things were going in my life. I wanted to expand my group of friends and live adventurously(or at least how i see adventures...) and then i've started meeting some new people, who all led me to different experiences and shared their "culture" with me.

And for some strange reason, people from gathering A have appeared to gathering B and people from C appeared again to gathering A.
I'm taking that as a good sign.

K from Nerds on the Road brought up a good point of the "small city" complex. And i thought, but no...this is a LARGE city with so many different people and so many things to do. But in the end, that's the thing! There's so many "tribes" in this town, they all have to be accommodated and there's only so many activities certain types of people enjoy doing and can do, before you run out of options and you end up seeing the same people. We all tend to go to the same venues and events that we enjoy.

And i like it. I call them the free people tribe. Because I'm enjoying meeting a lot of new positive and free people. And if i always run into them at different venues, it must mean something good. maybe next time i'll actually say hello.

Anyway, i hope everyone had an awesome weekend filled with adventure.
Things are slowing down a bit here, as there's not so much outdoor fun i can do and therefore not so much photography. BUT, i'm dropping film off soon, AND next weekend will be fun filled. A little adventure, new people, party and again, the tribes coming together.

peace

behind closed doors

2010-11-10T20:59:00.004-05:00

this is my friend's cat who i watched for a month and my cat Peanut playing under the door

I sometimes feel like this is the case between me and some drama people in my life. They smack and smack because they have nothing better to do.

Like i was telling a new friend earlier this week, i've had some sort of enlightenment moment this year when i thought "there must be more than this, there must be more to life than drama and pain and boredom". I used to get really bored and just sit and do nothing, while randomly browsing the internet.

And then, i actually felt what it was like to be controlled and stuck and not be "allowed" to do anything. Once I broke out of that, i felt freedom and relief that i could REALLY do what i wanted. And in society, when one says that they want to do what they want, people usually think selfishness and hurting other people. Right?? But it's not always the case. Because we should be free and dream and do what makes our spirits fly. Without being selfish and without hurting other people/living things around us.

Once i broke free from that clutch, i realized that i shouldn't ever be stuck or limit myself. The world has so many opportunities. There's so much out there to do and see, people to meet, dance in the same vibrations of people who also share the same insight. The free people.

I also believed that it's not up to me and i shouldn't influence someone's path/morals/life. But what if they're in trouble? What if they need to be taken by the hand and be led towards a better destination? Why not take that person's hand and give them a few options and show them what can be seen on the other side of the fence. And if they don't like it?? or choose not to take that turn? then leave them. But at least they were shown. And maybe it may not be the right path for them but it could be an inspiration.
My path is not right for others and others' isn't right for me, but i keep thinking about my friend and we've been butting heads a lot lately. Mainly because he's stuck in his old ways and drama drama drama. And there are other ways of life other than that. Choose drama because there's nothing else out there for you??.....Possibly......

anyway, I wish i could lead him and show him something new. And i wish he'd change. maybe that;s wrong to think....but i feel like positive people should hold their hands out and pull some others out of the dark. maybe.

art show

2010-11-07T18:00:00.001-05:00

i had an art show opening last night.
I showed some of my awesome travel Holgaramas

i wonder what they're thinking. I wish i had the courage to eavesdrop. But i was hanging out by other people's artwork.

where my soul lives

2010-11-03T00:42:00.000-04:00

weekend remnants

2010-10-25T23:25:00.002-04:00

the weekend's a blur in my mind. Not because i drank too much. But because the colours of fall mixed and mingled and danced in my mind and i can't remember anything but hills, trees and blue skies.

the rest bits of the weekend, the unnecessary drama, the drive home in rain to drive away faster from broken shells, shall stay there with no words.

the tree in front of my house is shedding its leaves and they beg to be jumped in.

tomorrow.
before i go to work.

why haven't i done this before?

2010-10-22T23:27:00.004-04:00

I'm making a list of things i should/want to do in 2011.

First on my list...BONNAROO!!! :D
what a great little adventure that would be!

umm i'm not so much in a writing mood. But i'm just enjoying life right now. I've dropped off my deposit for my wall space for my upcoming group art show happening Nov 6th. I'll be showing some photography. I want to show a lot of my travel photography that i've been taking over the past few years in Lomo. I want to show some new Florida things from this summer, some Cuba from 3 years ago, and some Ontario landscape because in the end, it is a nice looking landscape, and i am having the show in the city, and people need to be shown nature!

I dropped off a few rolls of film to develop and might pick those up tomorrow and think about what pieces to show.

One day i'd love to show ALL my travel memories in a gallery. Just me. Nobody else.

JUST.ME.

(this one will probably not be in the show..)

Oh and...OMG! there's a Lomography store opening in my town. The first ever. Lomo cameras, and a LAB! OMG!! SPLURRRRGGEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
i should do myself a favour and cut that credit card up right now if i ever want to pay off the debt on it HAHAH

Dear Andrea...

2010-10-20T20:10:00.002-04:00

..you were right.
It's good to have a steady job and do art on the side, because having to show your photography in a show and having no expectations to sell to eat or live is a good feeling.

I also enjoy dropping off film at the lab and not have my jaw drop when i pay the bill.

And i like splurging on photo equipment.

And i like my job. Because the people i work with are awesome, and it doesn't feel like an office job.

And my boss is great and he doesn't talk down to the people he works with.

I think I placed my boss in a special place in my head when i heard he said he doesn't believe in a hierarchy. He's not really my boss. We all participate in our own little way to run the business.

And i like staying 15 minutes after program to do something because i was asked nicely, not because i was "told" to.

Have i learned to appreciate the working class? Getting up at 7am to drive off to work and contribute to taxes??

no. I just think my job is fun and relaxed and i like the people i work with, and i enjoy the crazy laughs we share at work.

:)

but the point is that it's nice to have a job to be free and do art and not worry about it having a price tag on which your next meal depends on.

anyway...

boats

2010-10-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

oversharing

2010-10-17T17:20:00.002-04:00

I consider myself to be pretty open about things. Things that i like, or things that i think about or things that happened. Nothing gross or whatever, but just stuff. hings that some people may think it's private or shouldn't be shared so early on.

Sometimes i feel like maybe i should keep my mouth shut. I should not be so open about things in certain situations. I shouldn't say certain jokes, or tell people of my past emotional troubles. Who cares? Do people really care to listen? Or will they be held against me later? or why say all that when the question wasn't asked??

I tend to make fun of my european culture a lot or say that the country i'm from sucks and that i don't like it, but i'm not self loathing, i just don't have that crazy national pride a lot of other europeans do. I just don't understand what makes a country better than the others?

Someone said i have anger issues. It kinda struck me the wrong way. I took it a bit too offensively. But why say that? Do you know me?
We all have a certain dark side to us, and i don't consider myself an angry person, but i also don't think it's bad to make fun on my own culture.

i don't know. Oversharing....

twiggy visits the V-E-T

2010-10-12T22:52:00.001-04:00

Twiggy went to the V-E-T today.

she's ok.

I'm not. Giving a cat pills/medicine is NOT fun.
She has to take this liquid and these pills.

Liquid she barfed up 5 minutes after i gave it to her.
I've yet to give her the pills, but hopefully i have more luck.

jiorji-0
cat-1

thoughts

2010-10-10T00:32:00.002-04:00

I feel like there's a lot to get off my chest.

Today i had some things planned, but i chose to stay and take a nap with my cat. Because she's been throwing up yellow liquid(??) for a few days now and they keep getting bigger and bigger and she keeps getting skinnier. She hasn't eaten much lately either :(

Why don't cats(and other pets) ever SAY SOMETHING when they're sick?!?! WHY??
Maybe because i've decided it's vet time before it's too late, she looks like she's been moping around too. And she makes little meowy sounds when i pick her up. So who knows :(
I, of course, expect the worse, and as hard and bad as that is, and no matter how much i try to fight off bad thoughts, being that it's my cat, i can't help it. She's my little best friend, and if she's in pain at all, i hope that she heals fast.

Anyway, vet appointment coming up soon.

yeah...bit of a downer. If you're a pet owner, a REAL pet owner, you know what i mean.

so...i got nothing else to say....

letters from Florida

2010-10-09T10:56:00.002-04:00

Pelicans at the beach. AGat 18 mod. not redscale. Bad scanning

this is the digital version